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Online dating

From first chat to first date, it's important to be aware of the risks and find ways to keep yourself safe when dating online.

In short:

  • Meeting through a dating app (if you’re old enough) or on social media, or in a game, chat or any other online space can be exciting – but online dating comes with risks.
  • Not everyone you connect with will be the right person for you, or honest about who they are.
  • Look out for warning signs of abuse and trust your gut feelings. If something doesn't feel right, then it's probably not right. If you’re in doubt, get out of the situation as quickly as possible. 

On this page:

What is online dating?

Meeting online is a popular way to connect with other people and form relationships. It can happen in a dating app or site (if you’re old enough to use them), in apps designed to connect young people, in games and chat platforms, or in any other online space. It can be a way to find someone special, or to express and experiment with who you are.

But there are risks with connecting online, and with meeting an online friend in person, so it’s important to know how to keep yourself as safe as possible.

Audio

I've been an avid social media user since I was younger and I love sharing my life over social media.

But what comes with that is pressure to send my body, especially as a developed younger person.

I was pressured into sending nudes from the age of 12. 

Originally, getting requests, I'd kind of feel special because I'd be like, 'Oh my God, someone's giving me attention' and when they're trying to get something out of you they try to flatter you, make you feel special.

And when older, cooler guys would be like, 'Oh you're so hot', you'd kind of be like, 'Oh, he's popular, he's older' and you'd feel that pressure on you to send because this older popular guy is asking you.

Everyone's like, 'Oh, don't do this, don't send nudes', things like that. 

But when you're actually in the situation where you feel the pressure from this person and you feel like you're being flattered and you kind of feel like you owe something to them, it completely changes.

The stigmatisation around asking for help is very much surrounding the fact that you're doing something wrong, like, 'Oh, people are going to think that I'm bad' or 'People are going to think that I'm a snitch', when in reality asking for help is not only helping you but helping the situation.

What I would tell myself, my younger self, is to think about the 20-second rule. 

So I tell myself this all the time: if it's not gonna matter in 20 years, don't spend 20 seconds worrying about it.

You're not gonna remember that. You're not gonna remember who said that. You're not gonna remember that, 'Oh, you're a snitch'. 

You're gonna remember that somebody helped you from a really bad situation and you're going to use that information and use asking for help in other situations where you need it.

Adelaide: Seeking help when things go wrong online

Audio

Hi, my name is Chanel Contos and I'm the founder of the Teach Us Consent campaign.

This campaign asked for Australian school students to be taught consent education earlier, holistically and in every single school, and thanks to tens of thousands of Australians across the country who signed this petition that has now happened.

Ever gotten a DM from someone that's a little bit weird or felt that twinge in your gut, that's told you something's not quite right?

When you live part of your life on the internet, it's very probable that something like this has happened to you before. 

There are lots of strange people on the internet, but obviously not all of them are bad.

So the question is how do you know when someone means you harm?

Number one: If the person's stories aren't adding up. 

Let's be real: Everyone makes things up. But if someone you're speaking to has inconsistencies in basic details and personal interests, it could be that they're not being honest about who they really are and they may be making this information up to play a role in order to get closer to you.

Two: If the person's behaviour is becoming overly familiar.

Online conversations and friendships can develop fast, but they should have limits.

If a person starts asking for information you're not completely ready to share, like around where you live or your sexual experiences, it could be a sign that they have different expectations of the relationship. 

Some internet predators may try to isolate you from your friends. They may claim they're the only one who understands you or supports your dreams. 

While at first it sounds romantic and feels great to meet someone online who just gets you, just be careful. Sometimes this behaviour is intended to make you vulnerable or manipulate you for the benefit of them down the track. Trust your gut.

And finally, number three: They are not respecting your boundaries.

A no is a no, and if someone on the internet is pushing you to do something you don't want to do, like sending nudes, revealing information around yourself or cutting off friends, it is a sign they do not respect your boundaries.

The report and block function on online platforms can keep dodgy people like this out of your life.

The rule of thumb is if your gut feeling is telling you something is off, it's probably right.

Your online connections should bring you joy and help you grow, not leave you feeling uneasy.

If you do find yourself in a tricky situation, eSafety might be able to help. 

They can also help you get mental health support that you need to find your feet again. 

So reach out and know that you're never alone.

Chanel Contos: Consent and staying safe online

What are the risks of online dating?

Like any dating, online dating can be tough. Other people may be rude about who you are, how you look or what you’re interested in, and that rejection can harm your self-esteem. 

If you do connect with someone online or in person, you may find they don’t care about your feelings or respect you. Even someone you like at first could end up pressuring or harassing you, or become bullying or aggressive.

One of the biggest risks with online dating is that not everyone is honest about who they are. Some people create fake profiles to hook or catfish others they connect with, then scam them out of money or abuse them.

Be careful not to agree to anything if you’re unsure about it. And remember, it’s always OK to stop the conversation and cut off contact with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

All dating and relationships are a balance of power between people, and if they abuse you or take unfair advantage of you online that’s not right. They are to blame for what they have done wrong, it’s not your fault – and there’s help available. 

It’s a good idea to read this list of risks, so you notice the warning signs and know what to do if it happens to you…

Moving too fast

If you choose to date online, make sure you’re comfortable with how fast the other person gets sexual. 

It’s OK to say ‘no’ if you’re feeling pressured, whether online or in person.

Respectful relationships are based on ‘consent’ – this means you give your permission clearly, you fully understand what you’re agreeing to, and you are not being pressured into it. 

It’s important that you always feel safe with what you share, say and do online – especially in live chats that may be recorded (even without you knowing).

Be very careful if they send you unwanted nudes, or pressure you to share your own nudes or get sexual in a live chat with them very quickly. This can be a sign that they’re trying to hook you into something dangerous, like sextortion or grooming.

If you’re old enough to use dating apps and sites, another warning sign that you may be scammed or abused is when they quickly ask you to move to a messaging service that reveals your phone number, or to a social media site that reveals your location and friends.  
Find out more about consent, and what to do if you have received an unwanted nude or you’re being pressured to share nudes.

Image-based abuse

Sharing nudes without consent, or ‘revenge porn’

If someone shares or threatens to share an intimate image or video of you without your consent, this is called ‘image-based abuse’. It’s sometimes known as ‘revenge porn’ if someone does it to hurt you because you don’t want to keep connecting with them online or in person. But there are other reasons too – for example, some people do it to boast, or think it’s a joke even though it’s not funny.

Even if you send someone an intimate image or video, or agree to them taking one of you, that doesn’t mean they’re allowed to share it with anyone else*. Also, don't forget that if you connect with someone online your conversations or videos can be recorded without you knowing, and the things you share may be seen by people other than the person you sent them to.

Find out how eSafety can help remove nudes that have been shared without consent or help stop someone if they’re threatening to share your nudes.

Sextortion

Sexual extortion, or ‘sextortion’, is when someone blackmails you by threatening to share a nude or intimate image or video of you unless you pay them. It’s a type of image-based abuse.

Often the person hooks you by pretending to be someone they're not, sending a direct message with a 'sexy pic' they claim is of them. (But how would you really know? Have you ever seen them live on camera or face to face?) Then they ask you to send a naked selfie, or record you getting sexual online.* Next thing, they threaten to share the image or video with your family, friends, school or co-workers if you don’t pay them. Usually they ask you to transfer money, or send them cryptocurrency, gift cards or online game credits.

Another sextortion scam is when someone claims to have hacked your device or account and found intimate images or videos of you. They might even use one of your current or former passwords to make you believe it’s true, but you can never be sure if they really do have access. Then they threaten to share the image or video they claim to have found unless you pay up. 

Never pay the blackmailer or give them more money or intimate content – they will just keep asking for more. Stop all contact and report them.

Find out more about how to deal with sexual extortion, including how to prevent your image or video being uploaded to online platforms.

Grooming by a sexual predator

'Grooming' is when an older person tricks someone under 18 into thinking they’re in a close relationship so they can sexually abuse them. This can include child sexual abuse online. First they get you to trust them by giving you lots of attention or pretending to be someone your own age, until you feel OK about sending nudes or getting sexual online. Later they may tell you they’ll make the images or videos public, or hurt you or someone you care about, unless you send more nudes or get sexual with them again. They may also ask where you live and want to meet in person.

A sexual predator who does this is often called a 'paedophile.' The person might be a stranger or someone you know. 

Find out more about how to deal with unsafe or unwanted contact.

Love bombing and catfishing

‘Love bombing’ is a big warning sign that someone is trying a romance scam. This is when they flatter you by giving you lots of compliments, affection and maybe even gifts. Suddenly you feel so good about yourself and enjoy the attention so much that you will do almost anything for them. That can make it easy to control or scam you.

Usually they are a ‘catfish’, pretending to be someone they’re not. To hide who they really are, they send a fake photo – often of someone like a sports star, a soldier or a celebrity. They might also tell you they can’t show themselves in a live chat because their camera isn’t working. Usually they don’t have much activity on their social media accounts, and although it may look like they have lots of followers most are fake.

Once they have you hooked, they might ask you for a loan, or to buy gift cards, or to receive money transfers and send them on to someone else.

Find out what to do about catfishing.

Cyberstalking

This is when someone keeps constant track of you online in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, worried or harassed.

They may constantly check in on you, contact you, try to get your attention or post things about you, even when you have made it clear you’re not interested in them. Often, they follow or contact you across multiple apps or sites so you feel you can’t hide from them. They could use your location information to check where you.

If a stalker turns up in person, you could be in physical danger – call the police on Triple Zero (000).

Find out what to do about cyberstalking.

Identity theft

People sometimes use online dating to find out identity information they can use to get into your online accounts. They may want to use your accounts to harm you or other people, or to steal your money. This is sometimes called ‘phishing’.

Usually their questions just seem friendly, like they’re getting to know you. So be very careful if they want to know personal information such as: 

  • your age and birthday 
  • where you live, study or work  
  • information about other people in your family. 

Find out how to prevent and deal with identity theft.

*It’s important to remember: A person who asks for, accesses, possesses, creates or shares sexualised images of someone under 18 may be at risk of criminal charges – even if you’re both young and you agreed to it. Youth Law Australia recommends that you never take or share prohibited or sexual images of someone unless they are over 18 and you are sure they have said it’s OK.

Tips for staying safe while online dating

No matter who you connect with online and why – to become friends, hook up or start a long-term relationship – there are some basic things you can do to help protect your privacy, security and safety until you’re sure you can trust the other person.

Limit the information you share about yourself online

  • When you sign up to online accounts you often have to give the app or site personal details like your full name, home address and phone number. But make sure people can’t see them on your public profile and avoid revealing them to other people on the app or site. 
  • It’s OK to be vague about where you live, study, play sport, work, or go to relax. You might feel better about keeping the conversation light until you know the person a bit better – this could be talking about your favourite music, movie or team.
  • Check the privacy settings on your public accounts to help you stay in control of who can see information and contact you. If you’re unsure how to do this, take a look at The eSafety Guide for more information about adjusting settings for different apps, websites and other online platforms.
  • If people decide to share nudes despite all the risks, we advise them not to include their face or identifying features like tattoos, birthmarks or unique piercings – this makes it harder to blackmail them.

Avoid moving the conversation to social media or messaging apps

  • Many apps have report and support functions in case you find yourself in trouble, but once you move the conversation to direct messaging you might not have the same access to this support. 
  • Ask yourself if you feel comfortable, safe and ready to move platforms. You can check The eSafety Guide to see the report and support functions on apps, games, websites and other online platforms. 

Be careful about sharing your location 

  • Some apps let you share your location so other people using them can see where you are or a radius of your distance from them. 
  • Check your settings, so you can choose whether you want to share your location or not, who to share it with and when to share it.

If you plan to meet in person, prepare carefully

  • You may feel excited, but it’s important to slow down and stay alert for warning signs that something doesn’t seem right. 
  • Tell someone you trust about what you’re planning – this could be a friend, family member or a trusted adult. They can help you work out if it’s a safe idea and what steps you should take to protect yourself if you go ahead. 
  • Screenshot the profile of the person you’re meeting (including the identifying details) and share it with your trusted person. Tell your trusted person exactly where you’re going and when you plan to be back. You could even use your phone to share your live location with your trusted person, so they can keep track of you from somewhere nearby.
  • Make sure your phone is charged beforehand, so you can call or message your trusted person, another contact or the police for help. 
  • Meet and stay in a busy public place such as a cafe, shopping centre or park – make sure there are always other people around who you could ask for help if something goes wrong. 
  • Create an ‘out’ to limit the length of the meet up – an ‘out’ is a reason why you have to leave at that time (for example, say you’re catching up with a friend or have to catch a bus then). Mention the ‘out’ before you meet or at the start of the date, so it’s easy to leave at that time if you want to. If things are going well, you can always shift your ‘out’ and stay longer.
  • Trust your instincts – if you start to feel uncomfortable or unsafe, just leave. Find somewhere busy to wait if you can’t get away from the area straight away. If you’re in immediate danger call the police on Triple Zero (000), any time of the day or night. 

Reach out for help 

If you feel like a situation online or in person is getting too hard to handle, or things go wrong at any time, it’s important to reach out for help. Talking with a friend, family member or trusted adult can help you decide what to do. Or you can contact a free and confidential counselling and support service.

Most apps and platforms allow you to mute, hide or block a person if they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. You could also think about reporting them in-app.

eSafety can help if you experience serious abuse while online dating, including cyberbullying (if you’re under 18), adult cyber abuse (if you’re 18 or older) or image-based abuse (sometimes called ‘revenge porn’ or ‘sextortion’).

How to prevent images and videos being uploaded

You can block your intimate image or video from being uploaded to some social media and other platforms. You need to have a copy of the image or video, but you don’t need to send it to the platform – they will create a digital ‘fingerprint’ (or ‘hash’) instead.

If you’re under 18, you can use takeitdown.ncmec.org – a free online tool that prevents your image or video being shared on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Yubo, OnlyFans and Pornhub.

If you’re 18 or older, you can use StopNCII.org – a free online tool that prevents your image or video being shared on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Bumble, OnlyFans and Reddit.

Something has happened

Ask them to stop. If you feel safe to do so, tell them the questions they’re asking are making you feel uncomfortable and ask them to stop. This may make them think about their actions. If they keep asking, It’s time to set boundaries and end the conversation. See our advice about Unsafe and unwanted contact for more information about what to do if someone is making you feel uncomfortable.

Screenshot, report and block on the platform. If the person doesn’t respect your decision to end the conversation and starts harassing you, take screenshots of the messages and report them to the platforms or services they used to contact you. When you have reported them you can also block them. The eSafety Guide has information about how to report and block on different online platforms. If the platform doesn’t help and the content is seriously harming you, make a report to eSafety.

Get help and support. If what has happened is really concerning you and you’re feeling overwhelmed dealing with it on your own, talk to a trusted adult. You may feel like you should be able to handle it yourself, but talking to someone makes it easier to decide what to do and how to deal with the impact. You can also seek help from confidential counselling and support services. 

Say no. You don’t owe your picture to anyone. If someone is pressuring you, it may be a sign they don’t respect you enough to treat your image with respect. If you're under 18, this is illegal. Learn more in our page called Someone is threatening to share my nudes. 

Stop the conversation. It’s always OK to stop talking with someone if you no longer feel comfortable.

Screenshot, report and block on the platform. If the person keeps harassing you to send nudes or other sexual images or videos, take screenshots of the messages and report them to the platforms or services they used to contact you. When you have reported them you can also block them. The eSafety Guide has information about how to report and block on different online platforms. If the platform doesn’t help and the content is seriously harming you, make a report to eSafety.

Get help and support. If you’re feeling overwhelmed dealing with the situation on your own, talk to a trusted adult. You may feel like you should be able to handle it yourself but talking to someone makes it easier to decide what to do and how to deal with the impact. You can also seek help from confidential counselling and support services.

Get support from confidential counselling and support services

Kids Helpline

5 to 25 year olds. All issues. Confidential phone counselling available all day, every day. Online chat available 24/7, 365 days a year.

1800 55 1800

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Headspace

12 to 25 year olds. All issues. Phone counselling and online chat available 9am to 1am AEST, every day.

1800 650 890

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1800RESPECT

Confidential counselling, support and information for people affected by sexual abuse or domestic and family violence. Available 24/7.

1800 737 732

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Beyond Blue

All ages. All issues. Phone counselling and online chat available all day, every day.

1300 22 4636

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QLife

All ages. Counselling and referral for people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and/or intersex. Phone counselling and online chat available every day from 3pm to 12am.

1800 184 527

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Minus18

Articles, resources and training for lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer and/or intersex young people. As well as professional training to help support LGBTQI people.

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Last updated: 20/11/2024

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