Supporting children experiencing domestic and family violence

Technology-facilitated abuse, also known as ‘tech-based abuse’, means harming someone through the use of digital devices or online platforms and services. It’s often part of domestic and family violence.

The abuse can be from a child’s parent or carer, someone who their parent is dating, another family member or someone sharing the home with the child. It can include threats, harassment, monitoring, stalking, creating fake online accounts and cutting off a child’s access to technology.

Children dealing with domestic and family violence can face different types of technology-facilitated abuse. This can include:

• direct abuse of the child
• indirect abuse towards the other parent or carer, through the child or their technology.

The child can also be negatively impacted by seeing a parent or carer experience technology-facilitated abuse. 

The effects of tech-based abuse on children and young people dealing with domestic and family violence were explored in research commissioned by eSafety in 2020.

The findings showed that children dealing with domestic and family violence commonly experience:

• monitoring and stalking – 45%
• threats and intimidation – 38%
• blocking communication – 33%.

This abuse typically involves everyday technologies such as mobile phones (79% of cases). When this research was conducted, the majority of abuse involved texting (75%) or abuse on Facebook (59%).

The abuse caused a range of harm and distress to children. They most commonly experienced negative impacts on their:

• mental health – 67%
• relationship with the other parent or carer – 59%
• everyday activities – 59%.

Read the full research report.

Domestic and family violence can be distressing for children and young people, especially when they’re navigating other challenges in their lives.

It’s important to keep in mind that a child who’s being abused through technology is also more likely to be dealing with other types of abuse from the same person.

What you say to them will depend on a number of factors. These include your role and the support you provide to the child, whether the child is living with the abuser, or whether the child spends time with or communicates with them.

Use these tips to support children and young people:

• Keep in mind that they are a victim-survivor in their own right. Recognise that they will have their own unique experiences and ways of dealing with the abuse, and that their choices and rights will be different to adults.
• Use age-appropriate language and calmly discuss what’s happening, based on the child’s level of understanding.
• Try not to make assumptions about how they might be feeling about what’s happening, including how they might feel about the abuser.
• Explain that what is happening to them is a type of abuse, that it’s not OK and that it’s not their fault.
• Let them express themselves and speak freely, without feeling judged.
• Take their concerns seriously, listen and respond with age-appropriate honesty.
• Encourage them to ask questions and talk about their tech experiences regularly.
• Acknowledge the important role that tech plays in their life. Let them know they can stay in touch with trusted friends and family, if the situation is safe enough, and if they follow some important tips and understand the risks.
• Help them to think of ways to be safe if they want or need to stay connected with the abuser. For example, they might need to be more cautious when they post online, especially if the abuser wants to ‘friend’ them. You can also help them to practice answers to predictable questions that they might be asked by the parent or carer who is abusing them.
• Do what you say you will do to help them, and don’t overpromise.

Technology is a big part of a child’s life because it’s used to access education and support, have fun and socialise. It’s important for them to stay connected online where possible, but the safety and wellbeing of the child should always be your main priority.

Give them tips for using devices and accounts in a safe way

You can suggest they: 

• avoid sharing photos, videos or backgrounds that could identify their location on social media, gaming or video calls – this could include street signs, landmarks, school or club uniforms, or details in their home, which may make their location easy to work out
• turn off location services on their devices so they can’t be tracked, if it’s safe to do so – this also stops their location being embedded into any photos or videos they share
• avoid posting photos online
• avoid checking-in at venues
• avoid tagging family members online
• use safe devices and secure online accounts that the abusive person can’t access, where possible
• read eSafety’s online safety checklist for more tips.

It’s a good idea to help children to prepare for different scenarios and unexpected situations, taking into account the behaviour and potential actions of the abuser.

You can also encourage parents and carers to set some online safety rules together as a family, to keep children safe. The rules can be based on the child’s situation – providing they don’t put them or their support networks at greater risk.

Identify trusted adults

Children experiencing tech-based abuse may lose their confidence and feel unsafe on their own devices, making it hard to stay connected with others.

Help the child or young person to write a list of trusted family members and friends, with contact numbers and email addresses. Let them know about other trusted adults who might be able to help too – like a school counsellor, or a support service such as Kids Helpline.

If you’re in contact with a trusted adult in the child's life, find out how they can best support the child. You can help them understand the apps and websites the child uses. Let them know about online risks and how to manage safety settings with the child – you can give them the link to The eSafety Guide so they can find safety information about social media, apps and games. You can also tell them about the support services that can help children in crisis, and encourage them to read more about tech-based abuse in domestic and family violence situations.

eSafety offers professional development for domestic, family and sexual violence service providers, support workers and anyone who works with children and young people who are dealing with tech-based abuse. 

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eSafety has more resources to support children to stay safe online. Read our advice for parents and carers and our pages for kids and young people or watch our ‘how to’ videos.

You can also share our advice on online dating, consent and sexting and sending nudes with older children.