The hard-to-have conversations

Digital technologies are part of life for most children and young people. Talking with them about what they see online, including pornography, can help them understand issues and keep them safe from harm.

These tips for starting the chat can be useful whatever the age of your child. You can adapt them to your child’s interests, personality, level of development and maturity. 

Key points:

When children and young people experience things online like seeing pornography or being asked to share nudes it can be upsetting and harmful.
Having regular age-appropriate conversations about what they’re seeing online can make it easier for them to come to you if they have questions or worries. It’s best to answer their questions calmly and honestly so they continue to ask for your help in future.
Start by talking about your child’s interests and experiences and try to include discussions about respectful relationships and consent, to balance what they may come across online.

On this page:

Work out what you want to say
Think about when and where to chat
Plan how to start
Be curious
Prepare for questions or worries
Find more help
More information

Work out what you want to say

Click on the tabs to find out how to help your child based on their age. You may need to adapt the conversation for children based on their abilities and experiences to suit their diverse needs.

Screen reader users: Select the 'kids 5 to 12' or 'young people 13 to 18' tab to change the content. You can skip to the expanded section directly by skipping to the heading.

Kids 5 to 12

For kids under 8 years old

Balance giving your child protective messaging against overwhelming them with too much information or increasing their curiosity, especially if they’re not already aware of sex and pornography. Your approach will depend on your own family values and the maturity of your child.
You can build up to conversations about sex and pornography by talking first about things like puberty, gender, body image and body safety.
Focus more on how your child is feeling rather than on what they may have seen. Children at this age may feel ‘yucky’ and scared by sexual content – even violated – but they may also feel curious. Try to respond to your child's curiosity calmly, so they will always feel comfortable about coming to you for help.

For pre-teens 8 to 12

At this age, kids may be curious about sex and sexuality. As they enter puberty and adolescence, changes in the brain and body combined with other hormonal changes can increase your child’s interest in this area.
They may hear things in the playground or at a friend’s home. They might want to know more but feel that asking at home about sex would be embarrassing. Sometimes they may look for information online, or someone else may show them images and videos – including pornography. Try to balance your child’s need for privacy with providing clear and helpful information.
You may have already talked with your child about things like puberty, gender, body image and body safety. Now is a good time to link these conversations to sex and pornography, as well as giving them age-appropriate information about online risks like child sexual abuse and sharing intimate images without consent.
You can also talk with older pre-teens about trusted sources of information about online safety and sexual topics, such as eSafety’s pages for young people.

Young people 13 to 18

Conversations about healthy sexuality set your teen up for respectful relationships, including realistic expectations about sex. These will support general wellbeing throughout their life.
The most important message about pornography is that it’s not real life. Let your child know it sends unhealthy messages about women, men, power, sex and consent. Find more detailed advice in our page for parents and carers about online porn.
You can also talk with your teen about trusted sources of information about online safety and sexual topics, such as eSafety’s pages for young people.

Think about when and where to chat

Going somewhere with your child where you can talk privately without being interrupted can help keep the conversation focused. It may be less awkward if you chat while you're doing something else together, like taking a walk or a car trip.

Having lots of little chats that match your child’s age and stage of development can be more effective than one big conversation, if you realise they are not comfortable.

Your child may find it easier to speak with another trusted adult. Talk with them about putting together a team of people they trust and can go to if they want to chat about personal issues or need help. You can find out more about how to do this on our page Talking about child sexual abuse online with 0 to 12 year olds and 13 to 18 year olds.

Plan how to start

Leading parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson says the hardest part is often deciding where to begin. Here are some suggestions:

I don't really know what to say, but we have to have a talk about pornography/ sex/ sending nudes.’ You can admit ‘I find it really difficult to talk about these topics, but I want you to know some information that will help keep you safe online.’
I read an article today that said kids are seeing pornography/ sexual content/ nudes at young ages. Can we talk about it?’
I want to talk with you about one of those awkward topics. Is that OK?’ (Children rarely say ‘no’, but if they do, respect that, and then set up a time where you can talk.)

After your child has agreed to talk with you, here are some ways to keep things moving:

Have you heard the word pornography/ sex/ sexting? What do you know about it?’ and ‘Have you seen it online?’
Sometimes questions about your child's behaviour may be too confronting, so asking about their friends or classmates can feel safer. For example ‘Have any of the kids at school seen it?’ or ‘Do any of the kids at school ever talk about it? What do they say?’
If you know your child has seen pornography, nudes or other sexual content, it’s better to say something like ‘When you were looking at pornography/ nudes the other night...’ rather than ‘Have you seen pornography/ nudes?’
If they have seen it, ask: ‘Did someone show it to you? Or did you find it yourself?’ Try to find out what you can about how they found it and why they were searching for it, without getting upset or angry. Reassure them that they are not in trouble. Ask: ‘When you saw it, how did it make you feel?’ Discuss those feelings.
Depending on your child's questions and maturity, you may like to discuss related issues including consent and respectful relationships. It’s also a good time to prepare them for a discussion about online risks – you’ll find lots of tips in our pages on preventing child sexual abuse online.
Check if your child has any other questions or if you have explained things enough for them.
Let your child know that any question is OK to ask – nothing is off limits. If you don't know the answer to one of their questions, tell them you will help them find out. When you have the answer, use it as an opportunity to have another talk.

Be curious

Asking questions – about what your child knows about sex, pornography online, online risks and how they feel about it – may help you work out how much they understand. It can also stop it sounding like a lecture. You can also balance the questions with your own observations, so it doesn’t sound like you're interrogating them.

For example, you could ask:

Do kids at your school talk about watching online porn?’
Do you think it was right for them to post that video online of their friend having sex? What do you think might happen to them now that they’ve done that?’
What do your friends think about sending nudes? Do you agree with them?’
Have you ever been sent a nude? How did you feel? What did you do?’
Has anyone asked you to send a nude? How did that make you feel?’
Have you ever felt uncomfortable about someone contacting you online?’

Prepare for questions or worries

Let your child know you are there to help them whenever they have questions about issues like pornography, sex and sexting – even if you find out that something has gone wrong online or they think they’ve made a mistake. This will help them understand they can trust you.

It’s also good to plan what to do and say if your child does come to you to talk about something they have seen or experienced. This can help you respond calmly and support them to recover or learn from the experience.

You can use reassuring language like:

I understand what you're saying, and I'm glad you came to me about this. You're not in trouble, we can deal with this together.’
What help do you need at the moment? Would you like me to answer some questions or sort out a problem with you?’
You might not want to tell me all the detail, but if we can talk honestly about what's happened I promise I’ll listen and stay calm. No matter what happens, we can do this and I will continue to love you.’

Find more help

Here are some things that may help you start the conversation with your child:

Get a book to explore with them – there are lots of suitable books on this topic for children of different ages.
Find an educational video for your child that’s suitable for their age and maturity, and watch it with them.
Find a trusted adult, such as an aunt, uncle or teacher to help with the conversation. Teachers may also be able to suggest helpful resources.
Talk to the school counsellor, a professional counselling service or Kids Helpline or Parentline, especially if you’re worried about your child’s sexual behaviour or attitudes.

Get help now

If a child in your care says they’ve been abused or assaulted online, it’s very important to get help quickly.

Stay calm. Listen and believe them.
If the child is in Australia and is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000) or your local police on 131 444.
Any type of suspected child sexual abuse or exploitation, including grooming, should be reported to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE). The child can make a report themselves, or an adult can help them. Or you can make an anonymous report to Crime Stoppers at crimestoppers.com.au or 1800 333 000.
Anyone can report online child sexual exploitation and abuse material to eSafety at any time, so we can have it removed. Your report can be anonymous.
Anyone whose nude or sexual image or video has been shared online without their consent can report it to eSafety, so we can have it removed.
The TakeItDown tool can provide a secure, anonymous way to prevent sexual images or videos being uploaded and shared on a range of online platforms and services.
There are many counselling and support services that help children who have experienced sexual abuse, including grooming, and their families. These are listed on the ACCCE website.

More information

On our pages for parents and carers, you can find specific help on other subjects, including: