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Talking about online child sexual abuse with 13 to 18 year olds

Talking about sexual abuse without shame and stigma helps our community take action to prevent and respond to it. Staying silent about it increases the risk of harm and the ongoing trauma it causes. 

Together we can help children deal with harmful sexual behaviours and issues, without shame or stigma.

On this page:

What to talk about

As young people grow and mature, they naturally become curious about bodies and sexuality. This can influence what they see and do, both online and offline – and the harms they may experience. 

We can support healthy development by talking with young people openly and answering their questions honestly. This includes having conversations about online risks, including child sexual abuse online. Discussing it lets young people know you’re safe to talk to if it happens to them. Focusing on having small talks, often, can help. 

The advice in these age ranges is a guide only, to help you match your conversation to your child’s needs. You can read about younger and older ages too (including talking about child sexual abuse online with 0 to 12 year olds). Use what you think will work best for your child – no matter when you start, they will benefit. 

You may also need to adapt the conversation for young people with disability, who are neurodiverse, or exploring their gender and/or sexuality, to suit their diverse needs and experiences.

These conversations may make you aware of a child’s experience of sexual grooming or abuse, or raise concerns about their sexual behaviour. It’s important to make sure they are safe and supported. If you suspect they have been abused (including grooming or sexual extortion), report it to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation. If you’re worried about your child’s wellbeing, there are services and experts who can help. These include Kids Helpline and Headspace. You can also speak with a counsellor with experience dealing with child sexual abuse at Bravehearts.

Online experiences

Many young people of this age will be much more independent online than in their primary school years, and each child’s experience of opportunities and risks will be different. Many young people will engage in a wide range of online activities and experiences. They will often go online for information about mental, physical and sexual health. 

According to eSafety research, a third of children also look for emotional support online from friends and mental health support services, so it’s important for the health and wellbeing of young people that they feel safe and able to participate online. 

Let young people know they can always reach out to you for help if they feel unsure, uncomfortable or unsafe online – even if it feels embarrassing at first. Reassure them that you will never blame them, even if they feel like they have made a mistake, and that if you don’t know how to deal with an issue you will help them find out. This can help young people find solutions that will support their recovery, such as getting content taken down or accessing wellbeing support such as counselling services.

Your child might not always feel comfortable talking with you about an online problem, so it’s also a good idea to help them identify other adults they can talk with and trust to keep them safe. These are people it’s OK to talk with about sex and relationships, or if something goes wrong online.

Respectful relationships

Young people are developing their understanding of complex relationships, motivations and online behaviours. So, it’s a good time to ask them about current trends and what’s considered ‘normal’ online. 

They may have come across harmful attitudes about sex and relationships online. For example, some online ‘influencers’ may share sexist ideas and hate speech. These attitudes can impact the online behaviour of young people and make them feel unsafe. 

You can discuss the importance of feeling cared for and supported in respectful relationships (including friendships and romances), and how that applies online. You can also discuss consent. Let young people know they have a right to say what happens to their body online and offline and talk about the importance of online safety practices like getting consent for sharing photos and videos.

Recognising unsafe situations

Explain that it’s not OK for anyone to pressure, trick or persuade them into doing something sexual or talking in a sexual way online. It doesn’t matter whether the person is someone they know, such as a teacher, sports coach, friend or family member, or if they’re a stranger. Tell young people that these experiences are abuse, that it’s never the fault of the person being abused, and there are laws to protect children and young people under 18.

You can start the conversation by saying ‘Adults and older children are supposed to help and protect young people, so they aren't allowed to contact them in a sexual way.’ You can then talk about signs that an online contact might be unsafe, such as: 

  • their online profile doesn’t match what you see and hear when you talk or chat with them
  • they express strong emotions for you almost straight away, and quickly tempt you across to a more private channel, suggesting you get nude or sexual in a video call
  • they keep asking you to be sexual or to send nudes. 

Let young people know that it’s always OK to say no to sending nudes or getting sexual online.  

You can also explain that it’s important for young people to know how to protect the people around them by learning about respectful relationships and consent. It’s especially important to take care of younger children.

Dealing with threats to share nude images or videos

Sexual extortion (or ‘sextortion’) is a serious issue. It’s important to prepare young people by explaining the risk and letting them know how to deal with it. Don’t wait until it’s already happened – the situation can get worse very quickly and your child may be a risk of self-harm.

You can tell your child that sometimes abusers try to get young people to share photos or videos of themselves without clothes on, then they threaten to share the photos or videos with their family and friends unless they give the abuser what they want. Often this is money, or more intimate images. Being blackmailed over intimate images or videos is a type of image-based abuse called sexual extortion or ‘sextortion.’

You can let your child know ‘Scamming, grooming or blackmailing someone over sexual content is a crime. Don't believe the blackmailer if they say they will delete the intimate image or video if you give them what they want – they will just keep asking for more.’

Tell them that if anyone under 18 is being blackmailed over intimate content, the best way to get help is to report it to specialist investigators at the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation.

You can also reassure them that: 

  • sextortion is never the young person’s fault and they won’t get into trouble
  • they are not alone and this event will not define the rest of their lives. 

Young people can learn more about threats to share nudes, or you can find information for adults who have experienced sexual extortion.

What to do if their nudes are shared

It’s also important to talk about what young people can do if they have a nude shared. You can explain that sharing, or threatening to share an intimate photo or video is abuse. The photo or video could be a nude, a photo during a private activity like using the toilet, or showing a person without the religious or cultural clothes or accessories they would normally wear in public (such as a hijab or turban). 

It’s still abuse if it’s a screenshot or recording of a live chat (sometimes known as capping), or a meme, or even a fake or deepfake that has been edited to look like you. eSafety takes reports of this type of abuse through our image-based abuse scheme. 

You can also let young people know that if they send sexual material to someone else, and it gets shared beyond the person they sent it to (or the person wasn’t who the child thought they were), you are there to support them without judgement. They will not be in trouble, and you will find a solution together. 

You can use eSafety’s young people advice on what to do if nudes have been shared to help them learn how to report to eSafety get the images taken down.

Safety planning

Experiencing online harm is often distressing. It can be difficult to know what to do in the moment, especially if you’re upset. Young people are more likely to get help if they have a safety plan, and a ‘safety team’ to help them follow it. These are some things you can encourage them to include in a plan:  

  • Identifying if a situation isn’t safe. For example, if they experience physical warning signs, recognise unsafe behaviours, or an intimate image has been shared, it could be time to set their plan in action. 
  • Calling 000 if they’re in immediate danger.
  • Deciding who in their safety team will be their support person to help them decide what to do next, and to help them report the harm. 
  • Getting urgent help for child sexual abuse, including grooming and sexual extortion, by reporting what’s happened to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE).
  • Reporting image-based abuse to eSafety so we can help remove any intimate images or videos shared without their consent. 
  • Accessing counselling and support, such as the free 24 hour Kids Helpline (for 5 to 25 year-olds) or Headspace. 
  • Preventing intimate images or videos being shared by using takeitdown.ncmec.org. Takeitdown is a free online tool can prevent images spreading on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Yubo, OnlyFans and Pornhub.

A safety team can help them feel more in control if something bad happens online. Talk about different people to include in their safety team, including people outside the immediate family such as aunts and uncles, teachers and coaches. A good safety person should:

  • have the young person’s safety in mind
  • be available to talk 
  • be able to help the young person find support
  • help the young person without making them feel judged if they make a mistake.

This resource from the National Office for Child Safety can help young people identify their safety team: My safety team – teenagers.

You can also share self-help information with young people about what to do if their nudes have been shared or if someone is threatening to share their nudes.

What to expect and how to talk about it with younger teenagers

Digital development: By the time children are 13 and older they often rely on the internet for entertainment, learning, social support and health information. Young people may be required to use digital technology more heavily in their learning environments than they might have in primary school. Online social connections may also become more important to them. You can help them develop skills to navigate online pressures and influences, such as pressure to fit in on social media.

Sexual development: From puberty, it’s normal for young people to become more curious about sex and relationships. Some young people will use technology to explore and express their sexuality. At the same time, parents and carers might have reduced opportunities for active supervision. This can leave young people more vulnerable to predatory behaviour and abuse from adults and their peers. Among teens aged 14-17 living in Australia, 11% have been victims of sexual solicitation online and many had sexual images shared without their consent.

Supervision and parental controls: Parental controls and wellbeing settings are still valuable, but guidance and conversations with the trusted adults in a young person’s life become more important at this stage to prevent abuse. It’s important to ensure young people have the skills they need to manage online risks independently before you take the guardrails off. You can also support young people by learning about the risks they face, and helping them plan what to do if they experience abuse. 

Click on the + to see examples of what to say.

Just like friendships, children’s first romantic relationships may happen both online and offline. Stay curious about your child’s online experiences. 

You could ask ‘How would you know if someone was romantically interested in you online?’ or ‘How do you show that you like someone online?’

The ‘always on’ nature of technology can normalise being in near-constant contact with friends and intimate partners. Talking about online boundaries can help your teen build important relationship skills. 

You can ask them ‘How many messages in a day are OK for you? What’s your limit?’ or ‘Do you think it’s possible to message a friend too much?’ 

Acknowledge that it can be difficult when someone wants to communicate in a different way to you.

You can talk about the ways young people express themselves that are safe for themselves and others. You can help young people understand that online forums are often public places where people with many different values interact, and it’s important to consider the impact of their behaviour on others. 

For example, young people might encounter a wide variety of perspectives different to their own in comments on news articles. You can say ‘People from all sorts of backgrounds and experiences participate online. You might find some of their views challenging or even confronting, but it’s important to remain respectful of other people’s feelings. This helps everyone be safer to express themselves online.’

Young people need to know that it’s OK to take a break from the communication, even if the other person seems upset at the time. 

You could start the conversation by asking ‘What could you say to a friend who liked someone so much that they sent them message after message even when they didn’t reply?’ Reassure them that it’s not the fault of the person who is receiving the messages.

Whenever children download or sign up to a new platform, app or online space, talk to them about safety and privacy settings for that app. Some platforms will automatically activate the highest security settings for users under 18, but that is not always the case. 

You can also remind them check their privacy settings whenever there are updates, sometimes the settings can change without you knowing. The eSafety Guide provides information about the safety features of a range of online platforms, apps and games.

Lots of different devices, apps, platforms and services have functions that help us connect with others and manage our lives, environment and experiences. The same features that connect us can be used to harm. Talk about photo and video sharing, online chat and video chat, live streaming and screen capture.

Many apps such as Snapchat and Google Maps allow users to share their location with other people. Other apps such as Facebook have a check-in function for people to share where they are or what they’re doing. 

Some children and young people like to use this as a safety feature, for example by sharing their location with their parents and carers. However, it can also bring the risk of cyberstalking and tech-based abuse in domestic and family violence situations. Talking with your child about the risks and benefits can help you make decisions as a family about how to use location services safely. 

You can ask ‘Who would you feel safe with knowing your location all the time?’ and ‘Would you feel comfortable if a romantic partner always knew where you were? What would you say if they asked you to share your location with them?’ Let them know it is always OK to protect their privacy and say no to sharing share their location.

Let children know that you understand pressure from peers to do things they might not want to. Even outside of romantic relationships, children may feel peer pressure to send or receive sexual content online, including intimate images or videos of themselves. 

You can say ‘Sometimes you might feel pressure to do something online – maybe to fit in or because the other person has shared something. If that happens, let’s work out some alternatives together so you know what you can do.’

Some children and young people may feel more comfortable learning about and exploring sexuality online. 

For example, you can say ‘You can always come to me with questions about sex and relationships, but I know it can be important to talk with your friends as well. Is there anyone you talk with about sexual things online? How does that make you feel?’ or ‘Has anyone ever asked you sexual questions online, or asked you for a nude photo or video? Do you think that was OK?’ 

You can also ask ‘What would you do if someone sent you an unwanted nude or sexual message? You can always tell me if something makes you uncomfortable, and we’ll work out what to do together.’

By teaching critical thinking skills around online safety, you can help children learn to make safer decisions for themselves. You can support this by praising situations when they advocate for themselves about online activities.

For example, you can say ‘I was proud of you for asking me to take down that photo I shared of you in the family chat. I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable about the photo.’

These technologies can cause real harm if they are used to create child sexual abuse material. You can let children and young people know that if anyone does this to them, they can get help. 

When generative artificial intelligence (AI) is used to create images or videos or people doing or saying things they didn’t, they are called ‘deepfakes.’ Some deepfakes are nude or sexual, and can be especially harmful to the person shown in them.

What to expect and how to talk about it with older teenagers

By the time young people are 16 and older, they will be making decisions for themselves in their relationships. Although dating apps are meant to be restricted to audiences who are 18 and older, they may be meeting people and dating through any app or site that allows online connection. You can support your child by suggesting trusted sources of information on sex, relationships and getting help for online abuse. 

Let older teens know that online safety laws continue to protect them from child sexual abuse up to the age of 18. They can seek the help of the police and legal advice if they have experienced abuse. 

It’s also important for older teens to understand that they are legally responsible for their actions, and that there are legal consequences if they abuse another child online or share images without consent. For more information on Australian consent laws, see the Australian Institute for Family Studies.

Click on the + to see examples of what to say.

We know that as young people become adults they can still be at risk of harm. You can reduce the risk and impact of the harm by offering warm support and acknowledging their strengths. 

You can say ‘I know you have your own life online. Your privacy and independence are important. But I want you to know that I’m still here to help if anything goes wrong, especially if you need to talk about something difficult. If something happens, we can figure out what to do together.’

Online interactions may be part of young people’s intimate, romantic or sexual relationships. It’s important to respect young people’s privacy, but you can help them understand the risks around sending nudes and sexting. 

Even though the images or messages may be sent as part of a ‘private,’ one-to-one communication, there is always a risk intimate content may be shared more widely. You can share what you do to feel connected with someone. This might be something like ‘I like to send my partner things that make us laugh, or talk about what’s happening in the world.’ You can ask ‘What things could you do online to let someone know you’re thinking of them? What do you think they would like?’ 

You can support your child by letting them know that if they experience image-based abuse, it is never their fault, and you will help them. This can include reporting to eSafety and the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE).

You can say things like ‘It might seem awkward at first, but I’m a safe person to talk with about relationships, whether they’re online, offline or both.’ eSafety provides online dating advice for young people that you can refer to for help.

It’s important to talk with young people of all genders to reduce gender-based violence, including tech-based abuse. It can be helpful to have open conversations about misogyny and discrimination. 

Be curious and ask young people ‘What sort of attitudes about gender do you see online? Do you agree with them?’ When you see relationships portrayed in media like movies and games, you can ask ‘Who do you think holds power in this relationship? How could it be shared more equally?’ 

Remind young people that gender, sexuality, ethnicity, age and ability/disability can all affect power dynamics in friendships as well as family, romantic and sexual relationships. For more information, see our advice for young people on power and gender in relationships.

It isn’t always easy to tell when a romantic relationship is becoming controlling. It often only becomes clear over time when lots of individual actions by the abuser build up into a wider, more obvious pattern of controlling behaviour. This is called coercive control. When digital technologies are used as part of coercive control, it is called tech-based coercive control. 

You can help young people recognise the warning signs of coercive control such as ‘love bombing,’ ‘gaslighting,’ harassment, isolation and monitoring. You can ask ‘Does your relationship allow you to be yourself online?’ or ‘Do you feel like you have enough privacy in your relationship?’ Having these conversations can help young people learn about being in a respectful relationship.

There are a range of topics young people may need support to understand and deal with. These include sexual violence, online dating, tech-based abuse within relationships and online sexual harassment, such as receiving unwanted ‘nudes.’

More information

As children grow older and enter their teenage years, age-appropriate supervision can continue to be a useful protective strategy. Read our tips for age-appropriate supervision.

As children reach adulthood there are still online safety topics that are relevant to them. eSafety continues to provide information and investigative support to adults, including those with diverse needs. 

Read our advice for:

eSafety’s resources for young people can help you talk with them about being in a respectful relationship, unsafe contact and grooming and being pressured to send nudes. 

Some young people may be interested in the laws that apply to sexual interactions online. Youth Law Australia has information that can help.

You can also use the One Talk at a Time resources from the National Office for Child Safety or advice from Raising Children Network for more support in talking with this age group about child sexual abuse that occurs offline as well as online.

Translated factsheets

Advice summaries on Talking about child sexual abuse online with children and young people are available in these languages:

Last updated: 19/11/2024

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