Unsafe contact and 'grooming'

On this page:

• What is unsafe contact?
• What are the warning signs of unsafe contact?
• How can I prevent contact that I don't want?
• Something has happened

Unsafe contact is when someone who connects with you online wants to harm you. Often that’s hard to work out at first, so this page gives you some clues to think about.

There’s a chance you’ve felt uneasy online at least once or twice. According to our Digital lives of Aussie teens report, 30% of young people have been contacted by a stranger online. The trouble is, on the internet people don’t come with a ‘good person’ or ‘shady person’ badge, which means it can be hard to know who to trust.

Some people who contact you may genuinely just want to be friends or to chat. It can be great when your conversations flow easily, there’s a sense of respect and the other person doesn’t ‘cross your boundaries’ with words or content that make you feel uncomfortable. But people like scammers and sexual abusers can be very clever at tricking others online, so trusting your ‘gut instinct’ may not always help you feel when something is wrong.

To make matters more complex, unsafe contact doesn’t always come from a stranger – it could be someone you know, like a classmate, someone you work with or play sport against, a relative of one of your friends or even a family member.

Also, someone who you think is a friend may start off from a place of respect, but they can shift the boundaries quickly. 

They might go from chatting about your favourite bands one day to asking for nudes the next, then make you feel really pressured and worn down by repeated requests.

Remember, it's always OK to say no to sending nudes or getting sexual online.

Being aware of the warning signs that online contact might make you unsafe can help you avoid some of the risks.

Here are some questions to think about:

• Are you being ‘love bombed’ with lots of flattery, compliments or affectionate messages?
• Does a new friend or connection seem too good to be true?
• Do you think their stories about their location, age and friends seem inconsistent or don’t quite ‘add up’?
• Does it look like you have a lot of mutual friends with them, but you haven’t met them before?
• Do you get the sense that the words and style they use online doesn’t really match who they say they are?
• Do they seem overly interested in the details of your life, or reluctant to share details about their own?
• Do they find you across all your online accounts and platforms, even ones you didn’t tell them about?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, be even more cautious than usual about trusting the other person.

Here are some ways they may try to harm you.

They ‘groom’ you

Grooming is when a sexual abuser tricks someone who’s under 18 into thinking they’re in a close relationship, so the young person feels OK about sending nudes or getting sexual online.

Usually they start by trying to be your friend so you feel safe sharing secrets or talking about feelings or personal topics like if you’ve had your first kiss or sexual contact. They may flatter you by telling you how good looking you are, or send you gifts or make promises to you. Over time they may find ways to make themselves your main support person, so you don’t go to anyone else when you need help.

When they think you trust them, they start to ask you for ‘favours’ like sending nudes or ‘sexy’ videos. Then they may threaten to make the images or videos public, or hurt you or someone you care about, unless you send more nudes or get sexual with them over a video call.

This person might be a stranger or someone you know. They could also be a fake friend, pretending to be your own age when they are really much older, or pretending to be someone who knows your family.

A person who grooms or sexually abuses a child or young person under 18 is sometimes called a ‘paedophile’. Often they plan to sell or share the nude or sexual content they get from you. If they post it online, it can be very damaging now and later in your life.

Finding out you’ve been tricked by a sexual abuser can be very upsetting. It’s not your fault. You don’t have to cope on your own.

It’s important that you don’t keep it a secret. Maybe you’re scared of what the person will do if you tell someone else, or that they’ll get into trouble. You may also be worried that you’ll get into trouble. Or you may not want to give up feeling special. These are all understandable reactions. But it’s important to tell a trusted adult, like a family member or teacher, so they can make sure you’re safe and help prevent your images or videos being shared online – you could show your support person this webpage so they understand more about what’s been happening and what to do next.

The best way to get help is to report anything that you think might be grooming or sexual abuse to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE).

They hook you with a fake profile or ‘catfish’ you

This is when a person pretends to be someone they’re not, so they can scam you. If it’s a dating or romance scam they may keep you talking for weeks or months before you realise they have tricked you.. But it can also happen really quickly – often they send a direct message with a ‘sexy pic’ they claim is of them. (But how would you really know? Have you ever seen them live on camera or face to face?) Then they ask you to send a naked selfie, or record you getting sexual online.

Next thing, they threaten to share the image or video with your family, friends, school or co-workers if you don’t pay them. Usually they ask you to transfer money, or send them cryptocurrency, gift cards or online game credits. This is a very common type of blackmail called ‘sextortion’ or ‘sexual extortion’.

If this happens to you:

If you're under 18, the best way to get help is to report it to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE) at accce.gov.au.

If you’re 18 or older, report it to all the platforms or services where the blackmailer contacted you. If your intimate image or video is shared, or if the platform doesn't help, you can report it to eSafety at eSafety.gov.au/report/forms.  

Read our special advice on How to deal with blackmail for more information.

They send you unwanted nudes

If someone sends you a random nude, that’s commonly called ‘cyberflashing’. Receiving unwanted nudes can be creepy and upsetting because it makes the contact between the sender and you sexual without your consent, which is sexual harassment.

Unwanted nudes can show a body of any gender or sexual expression, or part of a body (like a ‘dick pic’). People may send nudes because they think it’s a turn on or they’re hoping to receive a nude in return. But they can also be trying to trick you into sending a nude back so they can blackmail you.

See our advice on how to deal with Receiving unwanted nudes.

You can also read more about how to prevent unwanted contact on this page.

They stalk you online

If a person keeps track of you online or by phone in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, worried or threatened, this is a form of harassment known as cyberstalking.

Cyberstalking may just seem like enthusiastic interest in you at first, or it may worry you right from the start. For example, someone might make repeated unwanted contact with you via social media, games or other apps, or by messages, emails or phone calls. They may try to get your attention by posting things about you or they may use your location settings to constantly check where you are and what you’re doing, even when you have made it clear you’re not interested in them. They may also find you on all your accounts, showing they know things about you that you didn’t tell them and making you feel as if you can’t hide from them.

A cyberstalker often wants to scare, embarrass or control the person they target, or harm their reputation. It can happen from a person known or unknown to you,

You can report cyberstalking to the platforms and services that the person used to contact you. If they don’t help and the content that the person who is cyberstalking you sent, shared or posted is seriously harmful, eSafety can help have it removed. This can include harassment and threats that are part of cyberbullying (if you are under 18) or adult cyber abuse (if you are 18 or older).

They hack you

If someone online asks questions like where you live, who you live with, the names of family members, your date of birth, where you go and what you do, be suspicious. They may be trying to piece together the answers to work out your passcodes or other personally identifiable information.

If they hack one of your accounts, they can take over your feed to embarrass you or steal from you, or to harm or scam other people.

Find out more about protecting your personally identifiable information, including what to do is it’s stolen or misused.

There are some things you can do to manage how much contact you get when you’re online.

Make your accounts private

If you don’t want to be contacted by strangers, consider putting all your accounts on ‘private’. You should be able to do this by going into your account settings and updating them so you choose who can contact you or see what you are doing online.

Check The eSafety Guide for more information about updating your privacy settings for different apps, games, sites or other online platforms.

Clean up your contacts list

How well do you know everyone on your friends list? If the answer is ‘not well’, it’s worth checking every so often to ensure you’re comfortable with who’s following you. If there are accounts you’ve never interacted with before, or friend requests from people you don’t recognise, it’s a good idea to delete them.

Check your location sharing settings

Many apps and devices let you ‘check-in’ from a certain location, or share where you are. Your settings usually allow you to choose whether you want to share your location or not, who to share it with and when to share it. It's important to only share your location information with people you know and trust. It’s also important to be aware of posting your location in real-time – others may track your movement between locations, so it might be better to post later on, when you’re no longer in the area.

Set and state your boundaries

It can help to be clear about what your boundaries are early on when you make new friends online. It will help them understand what you expect when you’re talking to each other, which may also help you feel more comfortable online.

Examples of boundary-setting could include making it clear you don’t want to discuss your sexuality or sexual experience, or letting people know the times when they can and can’t contact you.

Ask them to stop

If you feel uncomfortable with the way someone is communicating with you, you can ask them to stop if that feels safe. It might not always work, but sometimes letting them know they’re upsetting you will make them rethink their actions.

Tell someone you trust

You don’t have to cope with pressure and unwanted contact on your own. You may feel like you should be able to handle it yourself but if the other person is not getting the message or you’re feeling a little out of your depth, talking it through with someone else may help. An adult you trust, like a family member or teacher, can give you a fresh point of view, as well as helping you decide what to do and how to deal with any impacts. Try to stay connected with your support person while you handle the situation – you could show them this webpage so they understand more about it and can give you ongoing help.

Stop further contact

It’s always OK to stop communicating with someone if you no longer feel comfortable. You can use in-app functions or the settings on your device to mute, unfollow or block the other person and change your privacy settings. See more information about how to prevent unwanted contact.

Collect evidence, report and block on the platform

It’s important to collect evidence like screenshots of where and how the person contacted you and what they said to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, so you have proof. Then you can report their accounts to the platforms and services where they contacted you, and block them. Reporting them helps make online spaces safer for other people too.  

• If you're under 18 and you think someone has been grooming you or sexually abusing you, the best way to get help if to report it to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE). 
• If someone has shared a nude or intimate image of you, this is ‘image-based abuse’. You can report it to eSafety immediately, so we can help to remove it. If you’re under 18, report it to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE).  
• If you’ve reported other types of seriously harmful content to an online platform or service and they haven’t helped, you can make a report to eSafety and we can help have it removed if it’s part of cyberbullying (if you are under 18) or adult cyber abuse (if you are 18 or older).

Learn more about how to report to eSafety and what to expect.

Get support

Unwanted contact can be distressing. Remember, it’s not your fault and there’s help available. You can always speak to someone at the free Kids Helpline (for 5 to 25 year-olds), or find another counselling and support service that’s right for you.