Video resources

Domina

I predominantly think about safety, really.

You know, safety physically, emotionally, spiritually, culturally.

And having a relationship, that is really, at the heart, there for your best interests and for you to be the most authentic self, for you to grow and change, for you to set boundaries respectively, for you to learn about yourself in those kinda spaces.

Angelica

I definitely agree with that.

For me, you said the word authenticity, and that's one of the first words I always think about, is being authentic with whoever it is, you know, whether it's a romantic relationship, your family, friends.

And when you're able to be yourself, when you're able to be who you are and navigate that, and people respect those boundaries, that's what makes a respectful relationship so dynamic and powerful.

Georges

One where you feel comfortable.

Definitely where you can be yourself.

You don't have to try to be someone else.

You don't have to try to fit in.

You just feel comfortable.

You feel like you've known the person for a long time.

Shailja

Yeah, making each other better people almost, because you're trying to improve each other as you go along the way.

Understanding that disagreement doesn't mean the end of a relationship or doesn't mean we can no longer be friends, right?

Being able to have that disagreement means we're working together.

We're trying to understand each other better.

Nathan

A relationship where there's mutual trust and mutual respect, no indifferences of power. 

Equality, really.

Aroha

Somewhere that it feels safe, where it's not just a one-way street, where there's a listener.

Somebody that has an understanding or understands where you're coming from.

Cosmin

You listen. 

You listen to the other person.

You make sure that their voice feels heard, and not just feels heard but actually is heard.

So without that? Well, why are you even in a relationship?

Abdallah

So you have to communicate, and I would say communication is the key.

Because regardless of how much you love each other and how much you think you are compatible, there's gonna be differences and you might have disagreements.

Shahida

A connection that is based on loyalty, honesty, and your values are being respected.

Your difference and your imperfections are being respected, and you're being accepted just the way you are.

It's connection that you feel comfortable being you.

You don't have to change.

The right person will not change you.

They will accept you for who you are.

We're all different and that's what makes us beautiful and unique.

Shailja

It's like listening first and being a really active listener, gauging what they're saying and emotionally what they're feeling.

And then, you know, when they're comfortable.

Being like, 'OK, what can we do to help you out? What sort of actions should we do together to get you the best help that you need?'

Georges

And yeah, especially with friends, I think the best thing is, because not everyone's going to open up.

Nathan

I think listen, like at the top.

Provide advice, but you've gotta be careful because you can't overstep your boundaries when it comes to relationships in giving advice. It's so easy to do that.

Aroha

Definitely. I feel like you have to be OK with yourself first before you give that listening ear, because sometimes emotions and feelings from your side can come out and it can affect the advice that you give to somebody.

Angelica

Make sure that rather than saying, 'Oh well, this is what you need', actually hearing them out, and listening.

Domina

You won't have all the solutions, and you don't have to have all the solutions.

There will be people out there who are willing to support you. 

And, you know, if there's a friend who came to you, and they need your support, let them lead what that looks like for them, and let them choose what that looks like for them and that agency and choice and consent.

Cosmin

I think the biggest problem that stops people from seeking help, the biggest barrier is probably the stigma, for one.

Like, people don't see relationships as a problem to maybe talk to the school counsellor about, but the truth is, if that is an issue, then, yeah, go and talk to the school counsellor about it.

The school counsellor is there to support you emotionally and your wellbeing, and your relationship is a huge part of that, right?

Angelica

You know, that primary-high school environment, you often feel like you don't have as much agency to be able to actually speak up or be able to share what you want to.

And the power dynamics that I see is that there's an element of fear that's attached to it.

You know, when you're younger and, you know, whether it's to your teachers, your principal or just anyone who's older in your environments around you, there's a fear of being shut down, a fear of being ridiculed because of your age or what you have to say, or a fear that your experiences aren't as valid to others.

And then on top of that there's also so many other intersecting things that come into the way that power and dominance, you know, feeds into relationships.

Nathan

I think stigma. Like, peer stigma.

Aroha

Yeah, a lot of shame factor.

Nathan

Yeah, a lot of shame, embarrassment.

Aroha

Not being like the others, like conforming.

Like, if everyone else is normal, then what's wrong with you?

You don't wanna be that outcasted person.

I think most people are worrying about themselves.

Shailja

There's a lot of stigma around mental health and like, having those sort of problems.

And I think, you know, you can become really embarrassed that like, 'Oh, you know, you're such a high achiever, how come you're dealing with this stuff? How come you can't cope with the stress?'

So I think being able to sort of beat that embarrassment and beat that stigma, I think is really important, especially if you're the person who's asking for help.

It's finding out where those resources are, and making sure those resources are accessible, they're affordable. They're something that I can reach to by, you know, public transport if I can't drive.

There's something that, you know, they're confidential.

Like, I don't want to maybe say get my parents involved in this issue.

So I think making sure that there's resources out there and those resources are accessible to young people.

Georges

Just having someone you know you can rely on or you're comfortable in talking to.

If you have that person you can go up to them and, you know, tell them how you're doing and ask for help.

Ask if they can accompany you to a place that you need to go.

Ask if they can help you with something.

And just having that person around or with you, it makes a big difference.

Aroha

I know in some schools they will have cultural rooms and they'll have rooms available during lunch breaks and stuff like that where students can go in and have space to chill out, and usually there'll be a guidance counsellor in there.

They also offer support lines like Lifeline and the Kids Helpline as well.

And I think, because I used to be in those rooms a lot, and I found that even being in there, other children from the same kind of backgrounds would be in there and you would create your own little support group with them.

And I feel like those are the kind of places that need to be more available.

Abdallah

It's alright to ask questions. It's alright to reach out to someone who's older and get their advice because it's all new things that we go through and we learn from that experience.

And usually other people might have gone through that experience before.

Shahida

I went to events and saw people speaking about their experiences, and how the more they shared, the more relief they feel, the more they get comfortable and more powerful, because your experiences are your power.

And I think the first thing that I did was just, you know, speak up, share it with my friend and see how she reacts.

Of course she's not gonna react in a negative way because I trust her.

Shailja

Stand up for yourselves, even if you think it's really difficult, even if you think it's really hard, even if you think no one's gonna hear you,

Sometimes it's good enough that you made an effort.

It's good enough that you at least spoke it aloud.

And so, in that case, do that, even if it's a little thing.

If it does make you uncomfortable, you saying something would probably make a difference, even if it just makes yourself feel better.

So I think embracing that I think is really important.

Abdallah

You have to speak up.

There's a lot of services that are available.

Sometimes it doesn't have to be someone who's related to you.

Sometimes you want the information to remain confidential.

You don't wanna reach out to a friend or to a teacher.

So there's a lot of great services that are available where everything can remain confidential, so you can reach out to them, speak to them.

There's even, these days we can just text them online.

You don't even have to speak over the phone.

And I think from there you can get great advice on whom you can reach out to or what action you can take regarding the situation.

Nathan

You just look in society.

Predominantly, CEOs are male.

Look at parliament, parliamentarians are male predominantly.

Aroha

Having money gives you a status and only if you have money you can become part of that status.

Also, I think, education is another thing.

Being educated makes you higher than somebody else, I guess, which is 50 times, probably not the case (laughs), because you can have some people not go to school and still be more successful, yeah.

Georges

Finding a balance or finding ways to educate, especially the young kids or the young men, on what it means being masculine.

In today's society, what does that mean?

It doesn't mean be more feminine.

It doesn't mean don't be assertive.

Shailja

I think you're right in that, there's some great masculine traits: being confident and that sort of thing, being strong, being a provider.

You know, those sort of things are fantastic, and things that we should support as a society, but you're right.

And when it gets to that sort of very extreme stage, when that confidence becomes arrogance, when that confidence becomes the belief that you are better, that's when it becomes toxic.

You know, it no longer becomes something that helps people, but instead harms the people around you because it creates a really odd power imbalance.

Georges

Who's more masculine?

That's when it gets to the dangerous levels, and we start to judge each other.

OK, well he's doing that, he's not a man.

And then, if you see that happen, what does that mean?

I have to not do that because I have to live up to that standard of being manly.

Angelica

Being able to freely be able to say no, or say yes, or agree, or disagree to certain things is even more challenging as a young woman.

We must be able to support one another, because we can't go on like this any further.

We're seeing that the, you know, the different impacts that all these different events have happened on our world are disproportionately affecting girls and young women.

The way that we're able to engage with our education and our futures, our mental health challenges over our lifetime.

The way our outlook on the future, increased risk and proximity to potential domestic and sexual violence.

Nathan

I'd say boys.

Aroha

You think boys?

Nathan

Well, from my experience at school, boys were always the ones that had the power and the dominance, really, in school.

My high school, for instance, that I went to when I was growing up, it was very sports dominant, mainly rugby league.

So it was kind of like, the boys played rugby league and they were the alphas, the jocks, and everyone kind of followed them.

Abdallah

Sometimes the physical power, where usually the bigger kids are the ones who would, as you said, rule the school, because they are physically stronger. 

They are bigger and, at the same time, people who socially have more power. 

The cool kids, or the people who have, who are richer than the other kids, have more money or they have a newer phone.

So I would say these are the things that kids would think, 'Ah, these people rule the school.'

I would say people shouldn't think of it that way, because everyone is equal.

Cosmin

How are we respecting people, you know, from ESL backgrounds or stuff like that?

And I think that is a power imbalance that we also need to look at.

Angelica

Navigating life as a young African black woman is tough, because you are not only faced with a lot of different shapes and types of things that impact your gender, but also culturally too.

And then age, and then, you know, other experiences as well.

And, on all those different levels, and different lines of who you are and how you identify, systems and structures around you and environments seem less and less supportive sometimes.

Domina

Not seeing yourself there, and almost internalising that thinking, 'Maybe I won't get there, maybe I can't get there.'

We should be proud as young women to be like, 'You need to hear me. You need to value me.'

'Here is my voice, here is my feedback. I'm telling you these spaces aren't inclusive, or they're not safe, or this is what I need to do my work well.'

'This is what I need. This is what my support looks like.'

Shailja

I think a really important one, or something that I've noticed a lot, was in the classroom, I would say something, and then a guy would say it louder and they would get credit, versus the fact that I just said it first.

Also happens with jokes all the time. I'd make a joke, nothing.

Some dude says it. Laughter. You know, they're the comedy king. Hate it.

And then the other thing was like, so that sort of thing that your voices are not getting heard necessarily, and that's a power imbalance.

Georges

So you would say the power imbalance would exist in terms of gender?

Shailja

Sometimes. Yeah, and you know it's not something that you'd tend to notice, a lot, but if you keep noticing that, 'Hey, wait a second, I keep getting spoken over', you know, or 'I keep having to say my stuff two or three times before people start listening', then maybe there's something there.

Aroha

I think growing up a lot in communities, and always moving around, I've always felt like girls have this underlying power where they have it, but they make out that the boys have it the most.

But really it's them behind the scenes playing.

But then again, it's just always depends on what environment it is as well, because there's some places where you don't see that difference, and it's more of a, I guess, equal kind of environment to be in.

But most city schools that I've had experiences in, yeah, for me, personally, it's the girls.

But I understand where you come from (laughs).

Domina

Really trust your gut. 

If something doesn't feel right, if something doesn't look right, if even... like, I know, experiences culturally, everything, kind of, I can feel it in my gut, and I'm thinking, 'This doesn't feel right. Is this OK? Why is it normalised? Why is no one reacting the way that I think they should be reacting?'

To young people, trust that feeling, you know. 

Trust it and run with it.

And there are people out there who also feel the same way, and will want to make that kind of change.

Nathan

I think we're starting to see a little bit of it, by flipping gender norms.

I think that's kind of one way.

You know, women can do whatever men can do, and men can do whatever women can do.

Yeah, I think we start thinking that way. Just be positive.

Aroha

I think there's more safer spaces now for people of all different backgrounds. 

And I feel like even though we're just beginning, there needs to be more, especially now with all the movements that are happening around us, like Black Lives Matter and the LGBTQ+ community.

Angelica

We collectively need to be able to support one another.

The mobilisation of youth is crazy.

Every time I'm a part of it, I get excited, because there's that genuine energy for we know that this is going to benefit our future and our ability to thrive in the different areas and pathways that we're going to go through in life.

And that's what we all want.

Cosmin

You're the future generation after all, you know.

Forty years from now, you guys will be setting the mean for what society looks like.

You guys will be setting the standard for how we treat other people.

And if you do want to live in a better, nicer world, well, it starts with you.

You've got to be a good role model.

Use your superpower.

Cosmin

Being a good ally, making sure that you are hearing about what's going on and making sure that you're actively doing your part, not only to change your behaviour, if your behaviour, you know, has been seen, or if your behaviour isn't something that's right, but also to call out wrong behaviour in others as well, and not to be afraid of doing that if it's your friends.

Shahida

Because it starts from one person, two, three, and that's how it gets wider and more people hopefully can hear it. 

More people can understand, and more people get inspired and empowered to join that, I guess, chain of movement.

Abdallah

I think it's important to be aware of your own privilege.

You might not be part of the issue, but you should definitely be part of the solution.

You should utilise that privilege to find a suitable solution for whatever the issue is.

As Cosmin mentioned, you should speak up if you see something wrong and you can do something about it, you should speak up. 

You should try to change it. 

If it doesn't impact you, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't do anything about it.

Georges

I think educating the young people, educating them on how to stand up, that's really important.

How do you do that?

It's not just standing up and saying, 'No, stop this.'

There are ways to manage the situation.

And I think that's really important, teaching young people how to stand up for themselves.

Shailja

Yeah, stand up for each other. Stand up for themselves. 

Being able to call out things if they see it, say online, for example. 

Or maybe if they see it happening in their workplace, being able to say, 'Look, this is something that really does have an effect.' 

'You're being racist', 'You're being sexist', 'You're being homophobic'. 

'You need to change your behaviour', 'Here's some resources to help you out', 'Here's how you can improve what you're doing right now'.

'We don't hate you. It's not that we're attacking you. It's that we just noticed something that you're doing that is hurtful to other people, so how can we combat that? How can we work together to make this safer for everyone?'

Georges

And standing up for each other doesn't necessarily mean going to the person who's committing the act.

It also means going to the person who is the victim of the act, and talking to them, trying to see if they're OK, because that's also standing up.