Giving and seeking help in relationships

Shailja

It's like listening first and being a really active listener, gauging what they're saying and emotionally what they're feeling.

And then, you know, when they're comfortable.

Being like, 'OK, what can we do to help you out? What sort of actions should we do together to get you the best help that you need?'

Georges

And yeah, especially with friends, I think the best thing is, because not everyone's going to open up.

Nathan

I think listen, like at the top.

Provide advice, but you've gotta be careful because you can't overstep your boundaries when it comes to relationships in giving advice. It's so easy to do that.

Aroha

Definitely. I feel like you have to be OK with yourself first before you give that listening ear, because sometimes emotions and feelings from your side can come out and it can affect the advice that you give to somebody.

Angelica

Make sure that rather than saying, 'Oh well, this is what you need', actually hearing them out, and listening.

Domina

You won't have all the solutions, and you don't have to have all the solutions.

There will be people out there who are willing to support you. 

And, you know, if there's a friend who came to you, and they need your support, let them lead what that looks like for them, and let them choose what that looks like for them and that agency and choice and consent.

Cosmin

I think the biggest problem that stops people from seeking help, the biggest barrier is probably the stigma, for one.

Like, people don't see relationships as a problem to maybe talk to the school counsellor about, but the truth is, if that is an issue, then, yeah, go and talk to the school counsellor about it.

The school counsellor is there to support you emotionally and your wellbeing, and your relationship is a huge part of that, right?

Angelica

You know, that primary-high school environment, you often feel like you don't have as much agency to be able to actually speak up or be able to share what you want to.

And the power dynamics that I see is that there's an element of fear that's attached to it.

You know, when you're younger and, you know, whether it's to your teachers, your principal or just anyone who's older in your environments around you, there's a fear of being shut down, a fear of being ridiculed because of your age or what you have to say, or a fear that your experiences aren't as valid to others.

And then on top of that there's also so many other intersecting things that come into the way that power and dominance, you know, feeds into relationships.

Nathan

I think stigma. Like, peer stigma.

Aroha

Yeah, a lot of shame factor.

Nathan

Yeah, a lot of shame, embarrassment.

Aroha

Not being like the others, like conforming.

Like, if everyone else is normal, then what's wrong with you?

You don't wanna be that outcasted person.

I think most people are worrying about themselves.

Shailja

There's a lot of stigma around mental health and like, having those sort of problems.

And I think, you know, you can become really embarrassed that like, 'Oh, you know, you're such a high achiever, how come you're dealing with this stuff? How come you can't cope with the stress?'

So I think being able to sort of beat that embarrassment and beat that stigma, I think is really important, especially if you're the person who's asking for help.

It's finding out where those resources are, and making sure those resources are accessible, they're affordable. They're something that I can reach to by, you know, public transport if I can't drive.

There's something that, you know, they're confidential.

Like, I don't want to maybe say get my parents involved in this issue.

So I think making sure that there's resources out there and those resources are accessible to young people.

Georges

Just having someone you know you can rely on or you're comfortable in talking to.

If you have that person you can go up to them and, you know, tell them how you're doing and ask for help.

Ask if they can accompany you to a place that you need to go.

Ask if they can help you with something.

And just having that person around or with you, it makes a big difference.

Aroha

I know in some schools they will have cultural rooms and they'll have rooms available during lunch breaks and stuff like that where students can go in and have space to chill out, and usually there'll be a guidance counsellor in there.

They also offer support lines like Lifeline and the Kids Helpline as well.

And I think, because I used to be in those rooms a lot, and I found that even being in there, other children from the same kind of backgrounds would be in there and you would create your own little support group with them.

And I feel like those are the kind of places that need to be more available.

Abdallah

It's alright to ask questions. It's alright to reach out to someone who's older and get their advice because it's all new things that we go through and we learn from that experience.

And usually other people might have gone through that experience before.

Shahida

I went to events and saw people speaking about their experiences, and how the more they shared, the more relief they feel, the more they get comfortable and more powerful, because your experiences are your power.

And I think the first thing that I did was just, you know, speak up, share it with my friend and see how she reacts.

Of course she's not gonna react in a negative way because I trust her.

Shailja

Stand up for yourselves, even if you think it's really difficult, even if you think it's really hard, even if you think no one's gonna hear you,

Sometimes it's good enough that you made an effort.

It's good enough that you at least spoke it aloud.

And so, in that case, do that, even if it's a little thing.

If it does make you uncomfortable, you saying something would probably make a difference, even if it just makes yourself feel better.

So I think embracing that I think is really important.

Abdallah

You have to speak up.

There's a lot of services that are available.

Sometimes it doesn't have to be someone who's related to you.

Sometimes you want the information to remain confidential.

You don't wanna reach out to a friend or to a teacher.

So there's a lot of great services that are available where everything can remain confidential, so you can reach out to them, speak to them.

There's even, these days we can just text them online.

You don't even have to speak over the phone.

And I think from there you can get great advice on whom you can reach out to or what action you can take regarding the situation.