How to be an upstander
In short:
- If you choose to support someone who’s being bullied or abused online, you’ve chosen to be an upstander.
- If you feel safe, you can stand up to the person who is bullying or abusing others.
- Even privately supporting the person being targeted or reaching out to get help from someone else can make a big difference.
What is an upstander?
If you see something that’s not OK, like bullying or other abusive behaviour online, you have a choice: support the targeted person, or do nothing and keep scrolling.
If you decide to help, you’ve chosen to be an upstander.
Situations you may see that are not OK:
- People making hurtful comments about someone in a gaming chat.
- Nasty rumours being spread about a person through direct messages.
- Memes being posted to make fun of a person ‘as a joke’.
- A fake social media account being set up in someone’s name to embarrass them or send nasty messages to their friends.
- Someone’s nudes being shared when they were meant to be kept private.
How can I be an upstander?
By doing something to help a person being bullied or abused online, you can be part of creating a positive cultural change.
A lot of people want to help if they see others being harmed online, but they don’t know how to, or they worry they’ll be attacked for speaking up. There are some ways to support the targeted person and help them feel less isolated while still keeping yourself safe.
Depending on your style, what you feel confident doing and how someone is being bullied or abused, you may choose a different way to help each time, and that’s OK. All the options can have a huge positive impact. Here are some you can try on their own or combined with each other.
Reach out to the person being bullied or abused
Send a message to the person being bullied or abused. Ask if they’re OK and offer your support. Whether they’re your friend, or someone you only kind of know, a few words of support can go a long way.
Remember to use supportive language. It’s important to avoid phrases that might make them feel worse, like ‘You must be so embarrassed’ or ‘I would want to die if I were you’. You could say ‘Hey are you OK? I saw what was posted and it’s not cool’.
Let them know there are ways to get help, including reporting harmful content. You could send them these links and help them work out what to do:
You could also suggest they talk to a confidential counselling and support service.
If you don’t know the person who was targeted very well, you may be able to ask someone who’s closer to them to check they’re coping OK.
Call out the bad stuff online
If you feel confident and safe, speak up about the bullying or abuse you see online. It could be as simple as posting a comment, GIF or meme that says ‘This is not OK’.
Or you could show your support by leaving a positive comment about the targeted person, such as saying what you like about them. This can take some of the impact away from the bad stuff and help the person feel better.
Even if you’re not the one who was targeted by bullying or abuse, you can report it to the site, game or app where it happened. This helps to keep everyone safe online. Collect evidence as proof and check The eSafety Guide for links.
Say something to the person being mean
If you feel like someone is taking things too far online, think about reaching out to them privately to let them know what they’re doing could be causing harm. Maybe they’re unaware of how they’re making the other person feel. Or maybe they know it’s mean, and hearing that you think it’s not cool will help them change their behaviour.
Call in other support
It’s important to call in other support if the drama is getting serious or the person who was bullied or abused seems really affected by what was posted online about them – maybe they’re not turning up to school or they seem really withdrawn or less talkative.
Talk to a trusted adult like a parent, teacher or older sibling so they can help you work out what to do. You could show this page to them, to help explain what’s happening. Or you could get advice about what to do from a free, confidential counselling and support service like Kids Helpline (for young people up to 25).
How to be an upstander
Watch this video to find out how you can be an upstander.
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If you someone being abused online, you have a choice.
How to be a (hero, supporter, ally, friend, helper, defender) upstander
Get support and info at esafety.gov.au |
VIDEO: How to be an upstander
Something has happened
‘A player from a rival team shared a meme of my friend missing a goal and they’re telling others to leave nasty comments. How can I help?’
Reach out to your friend. Ask if they’re OK, tell them you support them and remind them how awesome they are. Let them know there are ways to get help, then share the link to eSafety’s page Bullying online – it has lots of tips, including how to report harmful content. You could help them follow the advice.
Call out the bullying. If you feel confident and safe, speak up about the bullying or abuse you see online. It could be as simple as posting ‘This is not cool’. Or you could leave a nice comment about your friend, so the nasty content has less impact. Or both!
Say something to the other player. Message the other player privately to tell them the bullying is not OK, if you feel safe doing that.
Call in other support. If the drama is getting serious, talk to a trusted adult about it so they can help you work out what to do. You could show this page to them, to help explain what’s happening, or check out our Sports hub for more advice on how to get help in your sport community. Or you could get advice about what to do from a free, confidential counselling and support service like Kids Helpline (for young people up to 25).
‘I saw a video online of someone being picked on, but they’re not at my school so it’s not really my business. How can I help?’
Reach out to the person being picked on. Even if you don’t know them well, sending a private message to ask if they’re OK can make them feel a lot better. Let them know there are ways to get help, then share the link to eSafety’s page Bullying online – it has lots of tips, including how to report the harmful content.
Call out the bullying. If you feel confident and safe, speak up about the video. It could be as simple as posting ‘This is not cool’.
Say something to the person who posted the video. Message them privately to tell them the bullying is not OK, if you feel safe doing that.
Call in other support. If the drama is getting serious, talk to a trusted adult who can help you work out what to do. You could show this page to them, to help explain what’s happening. Or you could get advice about what to do from a free, confidential counselling and support service like Kids Helpline (for young people up to 25).
‘Someone from school is bragging in a group chat, saying they have a nude shot of my classmate and they’re going to share it. What should I do?’
Get help for your classmate. It can be a shock to find out that someone is planning to share an intimate photo or video. It’s best to ask a trusted adult such as a teacher, school counsellor or Kids Helpline counsellor to let your classmate know what’s happening, so they can check they’re safe and supported.
These are some things your classmate should know:
- The situation is not their fault, even if they agreed to the photo being taken in the first place, and there are ways to get help.
- eSafety’s page Someone is threatening to share my nudes has lots of tips for dealing with the situation – including how to report to eSafety so we can help stop the photo being shared online.
- They can always call or chat with someone at the free Kids Helpline (for 5 to 25 year-olds) or find another counselling and support service that’s right for them.
Reach out to the person who is threatening your classmate. If you know the person who is threatening to share the photo and you feel comfortable talking or messaging with them about it, explain why it’s not OK and ask them to stop.
Get support from confidential counselling and support services
Kids Helpline
5 to 25 year olds. All issues. Confidential phone counselling available all day, every day. Online chat available 24/7, 365 days a year.
Headspace
12 to 25 year olds. All issues. Phone counselling and online chat available 9am to 1am AEST, every day.
Last updated: 10/04/2024
